Why You Need to Write Family Stories

 

(This is a post from two years ago. I hope it helps you to give some thought to writing your own family stories. Don't consider it a chore but an act of love for your family.)

I've been thinking a lot lately about family stories and why we need to write them. It's a pet theme of mine, but next week, I am giving a program to a women's group about the same subject., so it's been on my mind more than usual.

The first question to consider is Why should we write family stories?

I found several quotes that give an answer to that question. Read them and then read them a second time. Let the words of these authors and others sink in. 

Alex Haley:  In every conceivable manner, the family is the link to our past and the bridge to our future. 

Unknown author:  Our most treasured heirlooms are the memories of our family.

Unknown author:  The measure of a woman's character is not what she gets from her ancestors but what she leaves her descendants.

Madeleine Engle:  If you don't recount your family history, it will be lost. Honor your own stories and tell them, too. The tales may not seem very important, but they are what binds families and makes each of us who we are.

Chinese proverb:  To forget one's ancestors is to be a brook without a source, a tree without a root.

Lawrence Overmire:  My charge, then, in putting down my pen and giving over this work to posterity is this:  Take the time. Take the time to preserve the stories, the photographs, the small mementos that mean so much. This is your legacy to future generations. Give it the attention it deserves. Your children and grandchildren will thank you for it. 

Me again:  I feel that knowing who and what came before us is helpful in knowing who we are today. I find it satisfying to know what my grandparents and great-grandparents were like as young people. And also my own parents, aunts, and uncles. Hearing their stories helps me understand what kind of person each one was and perhaps why they did something in particular. 

I had an aunt who told her daughter and me myriad stories about my dad and the things he did as a little boy. Maybe she embellished them a bit, but the facts were there. It let me know that my dad was a daredevil, loved his parents, was honest and more. 

As I learned more and more about my family members on both sides, I developed some admiration for some but also some questions as to why this person did whatever. I had pride after learning many things and perhaps a bit of shame on a few others. I developed great sympathy for what some of my family members had to deal with. Those stories also let me know I was but one threat in the great tapestry of my family history.

A good reason to tell the family stories is to help us know our family medical history. In my own family, we learned what side of the family had to deal with a certain medical issue. Had we not known when the situation occurred in the present day, we would have been lost. It's difficult sometimes as past generations were reluctant to reveal diseases, handicaps etc for fear of bringing shame on the family. Today, we know the importance of knowing a family's medical history, and we're willing to share to help others in the future. 

You owe it to yourself and to your present-day family, as well as future generations, to write those family stories you've heard told for so many years. Telling the stories at reunions or around the dining room table is wonderful, but they must be written to be preserved for all those who will come after you.

The Girls on the Bus--A Family Story

 

I've written many times about the reasons for writing your Family Stories, but this morning I thought of one that I had not listed previously. We write them to honor our parents and grandparents, to show them our love. Of course, that's not the only reason, but it's a fine one. No matter what gripes and grudges we might have over past occurrences, our family is still ours. Even if there were conflicts, there were good times, too. 

No family is perfect. Not mine, not yours, or anybody else's family. Should you write about the difficult times as well as the ones that are fun or heartwarming? I think you should. Your Family Stories weave together to paint a family portrait. Braid the good with the troubling, and you still end up with family. 

As an example of the kind of story you might want to write for your family, I am sharing one that was published some years ago in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book titled To Mom With Love.

The Girls On The Bus

As I backed my car out of Mom’s driveway, I asked her a question. “Have you taken the senior bus yet?” I held my breath as I waited for her answer. 

Mom adjusted her seatbelt and stared straight ahead. Emphasizing each word, she said, “Oh-yes-I-did.” 

An uncomfortable silence descended, covering us like a shroud.

Finally, I asked, “How was it?” I said the words as cheerfully as I could manage, even though I sensed the answer was not going to be positive.

“Well,” she said, once again with emphasis, “I called the Senior Center and made the arrangements for the bus to take me to the grocery store. When they came to the house the next morning, I climbed on and looked down the aisle. And what do you think I saw? I’ll tell you what.” She clenched her hands. “I saw about thirteen depressing little old ladies and one depressing old man.”

Something clutched my stomach, and I didn’t know if it was sympathy for her plight or fear that she’d refuse to use this helpful transportation or anger that she put down what she suddenly needed desperately.

More silence. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that in her own mind she thought that now she was one of them. My dad passed away after six weeks in the hospital. He lay in a coma after surgery for an aortic aneurysm that burst while he was having an MRI. Technicians and nurses rushed him in for emergency surgery. The long hours of waiting and hoping all those weeks had taken a toll on my mother and the rest of the family, too.

Mom seemed to wear down a little more each day as she watched and waited in the hospital, but she got through the many decisions each time another crisis arose and finally agreed to disconnect life support. Then, surrounded by her children, their spouses and her grandchildren, she reigned graciously at the visitation and funeral even though fear and sorrow battled one another inwardly.

When the family left to go back to their own pathways of life, she was suddenly alone and frightened. For fifty-seven years, my dad walked by her side. He always told her, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it.” 

Dad took an early retirement twenty years before his death. These were years my parents were always together. Mom never learned to drive, so Dad chauffeured her everywhere, on errands to the grocery store, to get her hair cut, or whatever she needed. Now, her wheels were gone, as one grandchild so aptly described her situation. 

I spent the week after the funeral helping Mom with paperwork and other chores, and I contacted the local Senior Center to inquire about transportation for her. I teased her, saying she could now see her tax dollars at work and get some real benefit from them. She agreed, although reluctantly, that she’d need to use the senior bus since I lived an hour and a half north of her.

Now, as we drove to the shopping center, I thought about what courage it had taken for her to call that first time and then to ride the bus with other seniors. As I wove in and out of traffic, Mom changed the subject. We didn’t discuss the bus again that day. 

The following weeks when I came to visit, she would mention the bus and often end by saying, “No one ever talks on that bus. They all sit there staring into space and looking sad.” Her mouth turned downward, and she heaved a great sigh. 

I thought to myself that surely couldn’t last too long, not with my mother on board. Mom grew up in a small coal mining town in Iowa where she knew everyone. She often waited for her father at the mine at the end of his shift and chattered constantly on the long walk home. Even as an adult, living in a large metropolitan area, she chatted to clerks in the stores or the mailman walking down the street as if she’d known them forever. I couldn’t imagine her sitting silently on the bus, but her life had changed so drastically, and she wasn’t the same person anymore. I so hoped to see a spark of life in her on one of my visits, but how to bring it about escaped me. 

I worried needlessly, for after several more weeks went by, I noticed that many of Mom’s sentences began with “The girls on the bus told me…” After hearing the same phrase on several visits, I dared to hope. 

One day, as she made tea for us, I asked, “So, they talk to you now?” 

 She smiled and there was a sparkle in her eye, the first real sign of life I’d seen in her for many months. She poured the steaming tea into my cup and picked up a cookie before she answered. “I decided one day that it was silly, all of us sitting there saying nothing. So I climbed on the bus one morning and greeted them all. Then I remarked on what a nice day it was. I think I scared them at first. It took a few tries, but little by little they began to respond. And now we have some good conversation, and it makes everyone’s life a little nicer.” 

She slid the plate of the homemade cookies to my side of the table, and in my great relief, I ate several.

My mother had little formal education and had done very little on her own while Dad was alive. Nevertheless, she held the key to open the hearts of the other lonely people on that bus. A smile and a friendly word or two is all it required. She sowed tiny seeds of happiness for herself and the girls on the bus.

(c)

Why We Write Family Stories

Successful author, Isabel Allende, tells us to write what should not be forgotten. Most things worth remembering are stored in the attic of our mind, and it's up to us to pull them out and put into words for others to read, or merely for ourselves.

Those few words of advice are powerful. We don't want to forget our extended family, our growing-up years, our ancestors, our friends, what life was like in our lifetime, and more. All those things made us the people we are today. In science class, we learned that each of us is the result of both genetics and environment. Family carries both.

I recently heard from a second cousin whom I had not seen since we were both small children. Our fathers were first cousins, and our paternal grandfathers were brothers. What a delight it has been to visit with him via email and to learn more about our common family history. There have been ancestory charts shared and a few family stories. No doubt there will be more of those to come.

Because my cousin needed some dates for the six-page family tree he has constructed, I ended up getting in touch with two of my first cousins and a niece. Family history and family stories are bringing our family closer than ever before. 

I have a chart that traces my paternal ancestors back to the 17th century in France and then Canada prior to emigration to the United States. That's wonderful, but what I treasure more are the family stories that both my parents, aunts, and uncles told through the years. I didn't have the joy of knowing two of my grandparents at all, and the other two died when I was quite young. I learned a great deal about all four from the family stories told around the dinner table. 

No one but me ever wrote those stories. Telling a story to family members is wonderful. It's a living testimony to what families are all about. That's only part of what needs to be done. Someone in the family must write the stories for posterity. If three people do so, all the better, but choose at least one person to take on the responsibility. It IS a responsibility for the immediate and future generations. 

Family stories touch on family history in bits and pieces. One important reason is that we should learn the medical history in our families as it may be important to our own health today. Another is to understand certain habits that seem to be passed on in families. It's also of interest to see what personality traits are repeated in generations from past to present. 

One great reason to write family stories is that they are entertaining. It's fun to learn what our grandparents and parents were like as kids or young adults. 

There are families who love to tell the family stories while in others, you have to literally pull the information from them. If you have younger family members who want to know about the past, share it eagerly. If you can't write the story, ask one of the younger ones to do it for you. The main thing is to have the stories written so they don't get lost. 

Some of those stories will be humorous, some sad, some shocking perhaps, and some dealing with trauma. None of it should be forgotten. All the stories of all your family members are a part of you. 

Why Should We Write Family Stories?

I've been thinking a lot lately about family stories and why we need to write them. It's a pet theme of mine, but next week, I am giving a program to a women's group about the same subject., so it's been on my mind more than usual.

The first question to consider is Why should we write family stories?

I found several quotes that give an answer to that question. Read them and then read them a second time. Let the words of these authors and others sink in. 

Alex Haley:  In every conceivable manner, the family is the link to our past and the bridge to our future. 

Unknown author:  Our most treasured heirlooms are the memories of our family.

Unknown author:  The measure of a woman's character is not what she gets from her ancestors but what she leaves her descendants.

Madeleine Engle:  If you don't recount your family history, it will be lost. Honor your own stories and tell them, too. The tales may not seem very important, but they are what binds families and makes each of us who we are.

Chinese proverb:  To forget one's ancestors is to be a brook without a source, a tree without a root.

Lawrence Overmire:  My charge, then, in putting down my pen and giving over this work to posterity is this:  Take the time. Take the time to preserve the stories, the photographs, the small mementos that mean so much. This is your legacy to future generations. Give it the attention it deserves. Your children and grandchildren will thank you for it. 

Me again:  I feel that knowing who and what came before us is helpful in knowing who we are today. I find it satisfying to know what my grandparents and great-grandparents were like as young people. And also my own parents, aunts, and uncles. Hearing their stories helps me understand what kind of person each one was and perhaps why they did something in particular. 

I had an aunt who told her daughter and me myriad stories about my dad and the things he did as a little boy. Maybe she embellished them a bit, but the facts were there. It let me know that my dad was a daredevil, loved his parents, was honest and more. 

As I learned more and more about my family members on both sides, I developed some admiration for some but also some questions as to why this person did whatever. I had pride after learning many things and perhaps a bit of shame on a few others. I developed great sympathy for what some of my family memebers had to deal with. Those stories also let me know I was but one threat in the great tapestry of my family history.

A good reason to tell the family stories is to help us know our family medical history. In my own family, we learned what side of the family had to deal with a certain medical issue. Had we not known when the situation occurred in the present day, we would have been lost. It's difficult sometimes as past generations were reluctant to reveal diseases, handicaps etc for fear of bringing shame on the family. Today, we know the importance of knowing a family's medical history, and we're willing to share to help others in the future. 

You owe it to yourself and to your present-day family, as well as future generations, to write those family stories you've heard told for so many years. Telling the stories at reunions or around the dining room table is wonderful, but they must be written to be preserved for all those who will come after you.

Why You Should Record Your Memories

We write family stories and memoirs because of events in our lives that had some importance or relevance to us and those whom we know as family and friends.

There are many happenings in the years behind us that should not be forgotten but treasured. We want to keep those stories alive for our children and grandchildren and even farther down the line. Yesterday, I wrote about my first train ride. I don't believe any of my four grandchildren, aged 12-22, have ever ridden on a train. They have no idea about compartments, sleeping berths, dining cars, porters and more. Recording that initial introduction to a long train ride is my gift to them. Yes, our words are gifts to our family.

The negative times need to be recorded as well as the good ones. Some people would say that the bad times should be forgotten Put them in a closet and turn the key in the lock.

I don't feel that way. The difficult times in my life have helped me understand myself and others. I have also discovered along this long path of my life that out of all bad comes some good. Granted, there are moments when it's tough to find the good. Look hard enough, and something positive will come through.

Writing about life in your childhood will let others know what living in an earlier time period was like. Your personal family stories will be a small sliver of history in years to come.

What should you write about?
Immigrants should write about the why and the how and the result. Married people must write an account of their wedding. The birth of each child you have should be recorded in a story written by you. Not just the facts but the emotions, the reaction of others and more. Write about a family reunion, painting pictures with words about the individuals who attended.

Write about graduations--your own or a spouse's or your children's. How about vacations? Lots can be written about family vacations. Again, not just where you went, what you saw or ate, but about the people involved, their actions and reactions.

Write about the favorite place where you lived. You want to remember, as Isabel Allende, says in our quote, the reasons that place was special for you. What did it look like? What kind of area was it? Who were the people who lived nearby? What little spots in the house were special to you?

Write for publication or for your Family Stories Book that is for your family. It doesn't matter whether these memories are published for the world to read. That, of course, would be wonderful.
Even if no one but your family members read what you've written, you've done them a great favor, given them a gift of words and memories that will last through the generations.

One last thought. The younger people in your family might not appreciate what you've done until long after you've written your stories. Don't worry. The day will come when they will treasure the words you gave them.

This Is Why You Write Family Stories

The photo above is our family. Ken has a significant birthday--number 80-- in September so I wanted to get the family together for a celebration. This past weekend was the only time it worked for all of us.

To Ken's right is our daughter with her husband and children in back. On my left is our son and his family is behind him. They live in the Dallas area and our daughter's family lives in Louisburg, a small town near the Kansas suburban side of Kansas City. Getting us all together is a feat!

Ken had no idea they were coming and, believe me, it was no easy task to get ready for 8 house guests and a party without letting him know about it. He said later that he hadn't had a clue. The two families arranged to meet for lunch when they got to town so they'd all arrive at our house at the same time. Wish I'd gotten a picture of Ken's face when they walked in.

They'd texted me that they were finishing lunch and ready to come over. At that point, Ken got his billfold and car keys. I asked where he was going. "Over to see Doc," he said. His friend had recently moved to an Assisted Living home. Thinking fast, I said, "Oh, I bet he'll be taking a nap so soon after lunch. Why don't you wait?" "No," said Ken, "last time I went at 3 and he was asleep. I'm going now." So, off he went and I texted the kids to hold up for awhile. Ken returned an hour later and I then let them know he was home. That's when they finally all got to walk in and surprise him.

We went out for dinner Friday evening and had a lot of laughs. Then birthday cake back here after we ate. Saturday, I had a tee time set for the 4 guys to play golf. The girls planned lunch and shopping. But as we all know, the best laid plans oft go awry. The sewer line backed up in our lower level just before the golfers were leaving. I won't go into the nasty details but we could not use any water or flush until a plumber came to unblock the line.

Sent the golfers on their way. There was nothing they could do here. I called 3 plumbers before I had any success in getting one to come out. He made it at 2 p.m. Meanwhile, I sent the girls on to do the things we'd planned despite no one being able to shower. We all brushed our teeth outside like campers!

By 4, the plumber had found the blockage and we were back in business. I kept thinking all day Why this? Why now? We booked hotel rooms for the family as the lower level where 6 of them were staying was all wet. They headed to the hotel to shower and change clothes while we waited for a carpet restorer to come over to look at the damage. He checked it out and promised to come back Sunday afternoon to start working on it.

We met the family at a favorite place to eat Saturday evenng and asked the waitress to take a picture of us. Rare is the day when we get that done. Seems there is always one missing! We came home for more birthday cake.

This is what family stories are made of. Saturday evening at dinner, I commented that I knew that someday I'd look back at the disaster and laugh. I'm sure this weekend's events will be talked about at holiday dinners for a long time to come. It's the people in the photo above that I write my family stories for. When I am no longer a presence in their life, the stories will have been written and saved to be passed down to my children and grandchildren and maybe future generations.

If you haven't started writing your family stories, make it a project to begin soon. Start with one story and keep adding more, one at a time. You'll never regret it and neither will your family.

Leave Your Family A Gift

Why is it that you often learn more about a person in his obituary than you ever did previously? Just this week, two men we've known for many years passed away. On the same day and near the same age. 

I never knew that one of them had been a teacher or that he had been a newspaper editor or that he researched and kept records of baseball statistics from old-time players. I was aware of many things in his life over the past 37 years that Ken and I knew him but not those earlier years. Nor did I know about his baseball stats hobby. 

Maybe some members of his own family didn't know all those things either, or if they did, only knew the surface of each phase of his life. It's for this reason that I so often urge people to write down their family stories. 

Wouldn't it have been nice if this man had written about the five years that he taught school, or the even fewer years in which he was a newspaper editor. There must have been many stories he could have written and left for his children, grandchildren, and maybe even great-grandchildren to read. In reading stories about his early years, they would come to know him from a young man, or even a boy, all the way up to the later years. 

Writing your family stories is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your family. Let them follow the tracks you made through life. I can hear someone saying now But my life was boring. Nothing happened worth reading about.

Not true. Because you are a family member, the things you did, the places you lived, the jobs you held--all are of interest. If you include descriptions of the schools you went to, the church you attended, the neighborhoods and houses you lived in, you'll leave a picture of a bygone era. I grew up in an apartment that was part of a very large building. There were around 60 apartments, and the neighbors were such a part of my life. Any story about me is going to include some of them. 

You don't have to write continuously. If you only write one a month, it's better than none at all. Don't just tell the stories at the family dinner table. Write them so you can leave a priceless gift to those you love.